


The strongest person I know

by shiro_yuu



Series: KurooAka Week 2017 [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Canon Compliant, Cutting, Depression, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, KurooAka Week 2k17, M/M, Post-Canon, mention - SemiShira, mention - UshiOi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-11 21:45:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10475118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiro_yuu/pseuds/shiro_yuu
Summary: Akaashi thinks Kuroo is the strongest person he ever knew, because every time Kuroo falls apart he rebuilt himself.OrThe five times Akaashi can't help and the one he finally can.KurooAka Week 2017:despair/distance





	

**Author's Note:**

> So, ok.... Let me just warn you about two things:
> 
> 1- Everything in this story is based on my personal experience with my anxiety and my depression. Except the movies part (that happened to my best friend), the others situations happened to me. So I'm not, in any case, romantizing these things. If you're suffering with things like this you should seek for help. (You can also talk to me on tumblr, I don't have problems with that. The link is in the end of the story).
> 
> 2- I'm not really good in writing angst... And because I wrote it from the point of view of who is watching and not of who is having the attacks, it doesn't seem that deep. But I hope you enjoy anyways.

The first time Akaashi sees Kuroo falling apart he’s on his second year of high school and they’re at the training camp.

Akaashi is wandering around the school alone after the morning practice had ended, his team resting on the hills behind the gym after lunch. He likes training camps, because being with his friends for a whole week doing what they love the most is really fun. He knows it doesn’t seem like he enjoys being with people because of his always serious behavior, but the truth is that Akaashi always have a lot of fun. 

He enters the school building, wanting to go to the cafeteria to grab some tea he remembered seeing Karasuno’s manager making. But as he passes by the bathrooms he hears something that sounds much like a cry. Worried that maybe someone could had get hurt, Akaashi walks to the bathroom, opening the door.

But before he could says something his eyes fall over a person on the farthest corner of the bathroom, sitting on the ground and curled into a ball. The red uniform and messy black hair tell Akaashi who the person is. Akaashi is about to call Kuroo’s name when he hears a muffled hiccup and this makes him close his mouth shut. Kuroo is trembling, hands over his ears and curled into a ball as if to occupy as little space as possible. Kuroo’s breathing is heavy as if he’s carrying weighs on his chest and he’s holding onto his own hair so tightly that his knuckles are white.

“Kuroo-san?”, Akaashi calls, stepping into the bathroom, but Kuroo curls himself more against the wall. “I-I’ll call Kenma.”, he says before running out of the bathroom. Akaashi isn’t sure if Kuroo had even listened.

Akaashi runs across the school towards the gyms because he remembers had seeing Kenma on the hill with his teammates. Akaashi can see the hill and a lot of students there, but Kenma is nowhere to be seeing. 

“Kenma-san, please!”, Lev says from inside the gym and Akaashi pivots his body mid running and enter the gym.

“Kenma!”, he yells, startling the few students inside the gym. “Kuroo-san! He…!”

“Where?”, Kenma asks quickly without Akaashi finishing, running towards Akaashi.

“Kenma-san?”, Lev calls, but Kenma doesn’t stop to look at him.

Akaashi runs back to the school building, hearing Kenma running behind him and a small part of his mind is impressive that Kenma can keep up with Akaashi’s rhythm, but Kenma is an athlete in the end. Akaashi leads Kenma to the bathroom, stopping by the door to look at the other setter without knowing what to do.

Kenma opens the door and Akaashi sees Kuroo pretty much in the same way he was before. Kenma steps inside, indicating to Akaashi to close the door once they’re inside. “Tetsu?”, he calls, slowly approaching Kuroo.

Kenma kneels on the cold tile ground in front of Kuroo, touching lightly the back of Kuroo’s hands with his fingertips. Kuroo startles, trying to jump away from the touch but there’s a wall behind him.

“It’s ok…”, Kenma says softly. “I’m here…”, he says, sitting down by Kuroo’s side, his legs stretched in front of him.

Akaashi watches as Kenma starts to move his feet from left to right, really slowly approaching Kuroo’s leg with his own, touching it softly in standardized movements. When Kuroo seems to relax a bit more, Kenma presses his leg against Kuroo’s, keeping the small pressure until Kuroo stops crying. Kenma leans against Kuroo’s side, resting his head on Kuroo’s trembling shoulder, all his moves slow and gradual.

“Tetsu?”, Kenma calls again and this time Kuroo doesn’t startle, but he also doesn’t answer. “Did I tell you that Rockstar announced Red Dead Redemption 2? After a thousand years they finally decided to release a new one…”

Kenma starts to tell Kuroo about his expectations and fears in regards of the game, closing his eyes a keeping his voice calm. Kuroo slowly starts to relax his body, stretching his legs in front of him and placing his hands on the cold floor. Kuroo’s eyes are still blurred, staring blankly at a specific point of the floor. Akaashi doesn’t know what to do, so he just leans against the door, using his weight to keep it closed.

“Are you feeling better?”, Kenma asks softly after a while and Kuroo takes a deep breath before nodding, cleaning up his face with the back of his hands. “Good… Can you get up?”, he asks and Kuroo shakes his head. “Ok. We have time.”

A couple more minutes pass by them until Kuroo sighs and touches Kenma’s leg. Kenma gets up, helping Kuroo to do the same. Kuroo goes to the sink, washing his face with cold water while Kenma massages his back slowly.

“How’re you feeling?”, Kenma asks and Kuroo sighs.

“Better…”, Kuroo answers before looking at Akaashi through the mirror. “I’m sorry for you having to see this, Akaashi…”, he says, his voice just a little bit louder than a whisper.

“No, I… I’m sorry for not being able to help…”, Akaashi says, raising his shoulders to his ears.

“You called me. It was the best you could do.”, Kenma says and Kuroo nods before drying his face with the paper towels. “You ready to go?”

“Yeah.”, Kuroo nods, patting his uniform to try to get rid of the wrinkles.

“You’ll go back to practice?”, Akaashi asks, because he thinks Kuroo should go sleep or something.

“I’m fine… It’s just… Well, everything is too loud sometimes.”, Kuroo says, flashing him a weak smile.

“Let’s go. We have practice, captain.”, Kenma calls, walking towards the door.

“Yeah, yeah.”, Kuroo sigh, massaging his eyes with the base of his palms. “I need to grab Lev to practice receives before he sneaks out today, don’t let me forget.”, he asks, walking to out of the bathroom.

Akaashi follows, watching in silent awe as Kuroo pass from a mess to his usual self. They walk together to the gym and by the time they step inside the gym Kuroo is as good as new, the first thing he does being shouting to Lev and Inuoka to stop fighting and go practice. Kuroo squeezes Akaashi’s hand softly, walking towards his team. Kenma pats Akaashi’s back, nodding calmly at him before following Kuroo. Akaashi stays there, watching Kuroo act like nothing had happened, provoking Yaku and dodging from his kick. Konoha calls Akaashi and only then he tears his eyes from Kuroo’s figure, jogging to his team.

-

The second time it happens Akaashi is in the first year of college, cursing physics at Kyodai.

He and Kuroo had become close since he entered the college, because Kuroo is actually his senpai in the course. Akaashi finds out it’s easy to walk around the campus with Kuroo, because the Kuroo seems to know everyone in the university. The fact that they live in the same dorm building helps them to grow closer to each other too.

So when Kuroo invites Akaashi to a party it’s easy to him to say yes, even though he doesn’t like parties that much. But going to parties with Kuroo is good because if he goes with you to a party, he makes sure to be always around so you don’t feel alone. The party is being held at one of the dorms, all the students from the exacts science building there with cans of beers and glasses of vodka, dancing to the sound of the new pop songs.

Kuroo calls Akaashi, bringing him to a less noisy corner to speak near his ear. “I need to go home.”

“Why?”, Akaashi asks back, leaning back to look at Kuroo.

“I just _need_ to.”, Kuroo says and Akaashi notices how heavy his breath is.

“Kuroo.”, Akaashi calls, but Kuroo is already walking to outside the house.

Akaashi feels like cold water is running down his spine as he digests the sensation of déjà vu. Feeling suddenly sober, Akaashi darts out of the house after Kuroo. He jogs to outside the garden, making the turn to the street that leads to their building, but stops right on his tracks when he sees in the far end of the street Kuroo leaning against a lamp post. Akaashi runs towards him, the adrenaline cleaning up the last traces of the four beers he had drink before.

“Kuroo!”, Akaashi calls, jogging the last two meters and stopping in front of Kuroo. “Is everything ok?”, he asks, feeling the panic rising on his gut.

Kuroo is with his eyes closed, breathing hard and with some difficulty. Akaashi can see Kuroo trembling, holding himself on the lamppost behind him. Akaashi widens his eyes, because Kenma isn’t here, there’s no one in Kyoto that Akaashi can call to help him. Should he call Kenma? Should he call for help?

“I-I… I’ll call someone.”, Akaashi says, turning to run back to the house, but Kuroo grabs his wrist quickly. “What?!”

“It’s… Ok.”, Kuroo whispers, his voice trembling and not louder than a whisper.

“But… But… Ok.”, Akaashi nods, holding Kuroo’s forearm and he can feel Kuroo’s sweaty skin under his fingers. “What can I do? How can I help?”, he asks, despair clear on his voice.

“Just…”, Kuroo takes a deep breath, letting the air escape his lungs slowly, “…calm down.”

“Ok. Ok…”, Akaashi nods, trying to calm down a little, but it’s difficult with Kuroo heavy breathing and trembling in front of him.

Akaashi nervously looks around, every single noise startling him. He wants to protect Kuroo, because he knows Kuroo is having a hard time now. But how can he protect Kuroo if he doesn’t even know how to help? Akaashi knows close to nothing about anxiety and everything that comes with it.

“Akaashi…”, Kuroo calls, his voice still breathless.

“Yes?!”, Akaashi asks, startling and straightening his body.

“I can hear you screaming to yourself inside your head.”, Kuroo says, caressing Akaashi’s forearm with his thumb. “I’m ok… I just need to breathe.”

“Alright.”, Akaashi nods. “Alright…”

Akaashi looks at Kuroo, at the way his shoulders go up and down slowly as he takes deep breaths. Akaashi starts to follow Kuroo’s breathing pattern without noticing, inhaling and exhaling as Kuroo does, feeling his head lighting up a little because of the long breaths. Kuroo chuckles softly.

“Feeling calmer now?”, Kuroo asks, opening his eyes to look at Akaashi.

“Yeah…”, Akaashi nods, but he soon turns red. “Oh! I’m sorry… I…I… Sorry.”

“It’s ok. You did well for a first time dealing with it alone…”, Kuroo says, his voice calm, but Akaashi can still feel Kuroo trembling softly. “Oikawa yelled so much that only got me more anxious.”

“Shit, I should’ve called Oikawa.”, Akaashi sighs. Oikawa is Kuroo’s roommate and Akaashi should’ve thought that Oikawa would know how to deal with Kuroo’s anxiety after almost two years living together.

“No, it’s ok.”, Kuroo smiles softly, letting Akaashi’s arm go. “I’m sorry for worrying you.”

“You’re really fine?”, Akaashi asks worried.

“Yeah. It wasn’t a bad one.”, Kuroo says, passing his hands through his hair and stretching. “I learned how to control the smaller ones.”

“I’m sorry for being useless.”, Akaashi whispers, watching Kuroo straightening his clothes. “You’re going home?”

“You were with me and this is important. Sometimes it’s scary to pass through this alone.”, Kuroo says before nodding. “Yeah… I want to lay down on my bed and watch series until morning.”

“I have popcorn in my dorm and I’m dying to see the new A Series of Unfortunate Events…”, Akaashi says softly and Kuroo smiles at him.

“I think Oikawa has choco chips cookies in his closet…”, Kuroo says as he starts to walk to their dorms, Akaashi walking by his side.

-

The third time they are in a movie theater with a group of friends on Akaashi’s third year of college.

Akaashi and Kuroo’s relationship had grown to something more personal over the years of living side by side. It took them a little while to finally sort the things out between themselves, but during a movie night Akaashi had a suddenly shot of courage and kissed Kuroo. To Akaashi’s delightful surprise Kuroo not only kissed back but didn’t back away until both of them were naked and sweaty on Akaashi’s bed. They started to go out after that, ending up dating after less than six months.

Surprisingly their friends started dating around the same time, so couples nights like the one they are having tonight aren’t rare. After Oikawa had talked about the new Alien movie through the whole dinner, they all decide that the best thing to do is going to watch or Oikawa will just get insufferable. So they buy the tickets and enter the movie theater, sitting at the third roll from top to bottom. Oikawa and Ushijima sit at the middle, followed by Akaashi and Kuroo and then Shirabu and Semi. 

Everything is fine for the first time of the movie, the only disturbance being Oikawa’s excited squeaks now and then, but aside from that the full room is pretty quiet. When things start to get crazy on the second half of the movie, Akaashi feels Kuroo fidgeting on his seat.

“Are you feeling ok?”, Akaashi asks in a whisper, leaning towards Kuroo.

“Yeah…”, Kuroo whispers back, nodding.

Akaashi goes back to his previous position, but more alert about Kuroo. He sees by the corner of his eyes Kuroo’s fingers moving, a particularly bright scene allowing Akaashi to see that Kuroo is forcefully scratching the palm of his own hand. Akaashi holds Kuroo’s hand, intertwining their fingers and Kuroo squeezes it softly.

Kuroo calms down a little, watching the movie quiet by Akaashi’s side. Twenty minutes later he slides his hand out of Akaashi’s, leaning to him and whispering, “I’m going to the bathroom”, before getting up and walk out of their roll and down the stairs. Akaashi follows him with his eyes, a heavy sensation on his chest.

“Is he ok?”, Ushijima asks in a whisper, startling Akaashi a bit.

“Yeah. He went to the bathroom.”, Akaashi whispers back, forcing himself to look at the screen again.

Kuroo is gone for a good fifteen minutes and Akaashi is about to get up of his chair and go after his boyfriend when he sees Kuroo walking into the theater and then up the stairs. Kuroo sit down by Akaashi’s side again, holding Akaashi’s hands with his still humid ones. 

“Everything ok?”, Akaashi asks and Kuroo nods.

“Yeah. Everything good.”, Kuroo answers, sliding a bit on his seat to lay his head on Akaashi’s shoulder.

Akaashi kisses Kuroo’s hair, leaning against him to watch the rest of the movie. Kuroo stays like that until the end of movie, playing calmly with Akaashi’s fingers and Akaashi can tell that he isn’t focused on the movie anymore. 

“Tetsu-chan, you’re alright?”, Oikawa asks once they’re walking out of the movie theater, frowning a bit. “You’re like super pale.”

Akaashi stops to take a good look at Kuroo and in fact Kuroo is extremely pale, the circles under his eyes seeming deeper; he looks sick. Kuroo gives them his signature cheshire cat grin, straightening his shoulders and back.

“I’m fine, don’t worry.”, Kuroo says, chuckling at Semi and Oikawa’s suspicious looks. “I got nauseated during the movie because of the sound and the light, so I ended up throwing up a bit at the bathroom, nothing much. Don’t worry, I’m really fine now.”

“We should go eat something, your stomach is probably still upset, but you need to put something in it.”, Shirabu says and the others nod.

“You are all so cute.”, Kuroo says teasingly and Semi, Shirabu and Oikawa roll their eyes at him.

They start to walk to the food court, Akaashi purposely slowing down his steps. “You had an anxiety attack in the bathroom?”, he asks, his voice low.

Kuroo looks at him for a few moments before sighing deeply. “Yeah. But I’m ok.”

“You should had told me…”, Akaashi says, but not in an accusatory way.

“I know, babe, I’m sorry.”, Kuroo sighs again, caressing the back of Akaashi’s hand with his thumb. “It was because of nothing, to be honest. The lights and the sound, it was just a really ridiculous overload of stimulus to my brain… I didn’t want to worry you about nothing.”

“It isn’t ‘nothing’, Tetsu…”, Akaashi says, squeezing Kuroo’s hand softly. “I want to help…”

“I know, I’m sorry.”, Kuroo whispers, pulling Akaashi closer and kissing his temple.

Akaashi brings Kuroo’s hand to his lips, kissing the back of the hand softly. “I just want your well-being. “

-

The fourth time lasts longer and it scares the most.

They are at the supermarket buying groceries for the week. It’s a pretty Sunday afternoon, exactly two months after they decided to move in together; a quick conversation between the three couples was enough to sort things out. Akaashi still has two more years to go on college and Kuroo one, but since Kuroo has intentions of doing a master degree at Kyodai it’ll be ok for him to keep living at the dorms. 

They are passing through the yogurt and butter aisle in the back of the supermarket when Akaashi notices that something is wrong. Kuroo’s breathing starts to quickening after they passed a particular big and loud group of teenagers and he has to stop. Akaashi forces himself to stay calm, stepping back to give Kuroo some space, but staying close. Kuroo always know how to deal with his crisis when they quick in at a public space.

Except that this time he doesn’t. Akaashi notices that this one isn’t one of the light crisis when he sees the first tear rolling down Kuroo’s cheek and Kuroo slowly lowering his body until he’s crouching, his legs against his chest. Kuroo covers his ears with his hands, lifting his shoulders as if trying to hide himself.

“Tetsu.”, Akaashi widens his eyes, kneeling by Kuroo’s side and touching his arm carefully. “Tetsu, you ok?”

People start to gather around them, some people curious about why a grown man is crying on the floor and other ones worried because Kuroo seems really bad. Akaashi tries to explain that Kuroo is ok and only needs some space, but as the minutes pass by and Kuroo seems to get worse more people start to show up and Akaashi starts to feel anxious. But in a blink Kuroo gets up, darting to outside of the supermarket as quickly as possible. Akaashi stares surprised for a couple minutes before running after him.

“Tetsu?”, Akaashi calls, looking around at the parking lot, but Kuroo isn’t there.

Cursing Kuroo’s ridiculously long legs, Akaashi starts to jog around the parking lot, calling Kuroo’s name. It takes him almost ten minutes to finally find Kuroo, sitting down behind the supermarket, hugging his legs close to his chest, his hoodie over his head. Akaashi finally starts to breathe again, running towards Kuroo.

“Tetsu?”, Akaashi calls softly, walking the last meter until Kuroo and kneeling down by his side. “Babe, talk to me… Do you need something?”, he asks, keeping his tone really soft and calm.

“I’m so sorry.”, Kuroo sobs, curling himself more into a ball.

“Babe, you have nothing to be sorry about.”, Akaashi says, touching Kuroo’s back and caressing him softly.

“I didn’t mean to cry in front of everyone…”, Kuroo whispers, inhaling deeply by his nose. “I don’t even know why… They were just being loud… And everything started to get confused. I tried to stop, but… But… I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to embarrass you.”

“Tetsu…”, Akaashi sighs softly, slowly pulling Kuroo closer and hugging him. “I’m not embarrassed. I’m just worried about you, ok? The only thing that matters for me is your welfare.”

Kuroo hides his face on Akaashi’s neck, holding him closer by his clothes and sobbing softly. Akaashi’s heart breaks into pieces as he feels Kuroo trembling against him.

-

The fifth time happens on summer and Akaashi knows right off the bat that something is wrong with Kuroo.

Kuroo is on his first year of his majoring in atomic physics and he seems extremely stressed because of it. Akaashi knows that Kuroo haven’t being sleeping lately and that he is having more and more anxiety and panic attacks. He doesn’t know what to do, because even after all those years together Kuroo still keep his problem locked up away from Akaashi’s reach.

But when Kuroo starts to step away from Akaashi touches, Akaashi starts to think that something is wrong and when Kuroo keeps using long sleeves even when it’s already midsummer, Akaashi is sure that things aren’t normal. Akaashi doesn’t want to jump to conclusions, but something inside him gets uneasy.

“Tetsu?”, Akaashi calls one day when they’re at their small apartment kitchen making lunch.

“Yeah?”, Kuroo asks while stirring the meat.

“You would tell me if something was happening, right?”, Akaashi asks carefully, watching as Kuroo briefly stops what he’s doing.

“Of course, babe.”, Kuroo says way too softly to a casual conversation.

“Hm…”, Akaashi hums thoughtful as he watches Kuroo resume on making the food. “You know I wouldn’t judge your or anything, right?”

“Keiji, what’s it with this conversation?”, Kuroo asks, suddenly defensive.

“Nothing, babe, calm down.”, Akaashi says, giving one step backwards to give Kuroo more space.

“I’m completely calm.”, Kuroo says between his teeth. He turns around to look at Akaashi. “You’re the one coming with a weird conversation out of nowhere. Do you wanna ask me something? Just go ahead.”

“Are you cutting yourself?”, Akaashi asks, crossing his arms. He doesn’t feel good in pressuring Kuroo, but maybe this way he’ll be able to help.

Kuroo stares at Akaashi, a mix of emotions on his golden eyes, and instead of answering he almost growls, walking to outside both the kitchen and the apartment. Akaashi sighs deeply, his shoulders dropping because he doesn’t know how to do. Maybe it’s time to do something that he should’ve done years ago. Akaashi walks to the small living room, grabbing his phone and dialing Kenma’s number.

It’s only a week later that Akaashi has an answer to his question. He wakes up one night with the quiet sound of sobs and jumps awake from the bed, his foggy mind clearing up like the summer sky. He walks towards the sound, seeing the bathroom door open.

Akaashi enters the bathroom, freezing in place with what he sees. Kuroo is curled up on the corner of the bathroom, his sleeves rolled up, droplets of blood on his gray sweatpants and on the white floor a razor blade on his hand. 

“Tetsu….”, Akaashi asks, his voice weak.

Kuroo startles with Akaashi’s voice, hiding his bleeding arm against his body. “Go away!”, he asks, his voice lacking of all emotions that aren’t pure despair. “Please, don’t look…”, he begs.

Akaashi looks at Kuroo’s begging eyes and complies, stepping out of the bathroom and walking to the kitchen, because he doesn’t want Kuroo to see him crying, he doesn’t want to put another weight on Kuroo’s shoulders. Akaashi place his hands on the counter, supporting all the weight of his body as he cries. He can’t believe something like this was happening under his roof and he hadn’t noticed it before. 

“Fuck…” he breathes out, passing his hands on his face, trying to wipe out his tears while walking back and forth on the kitchen. “Fuck.”, he repeats, pulling his hair. He doesn’t know what to do.

But Akaashi knows he needs to do something, he can’t just let Kuroo alone in a cold bathroom cutting himself. So he takes a deep breath, trying to put his hair in order before walking back to the bathroom. But he doesn’t enter this time, he just sits down on the ground on the outside, his back against the wall that divide the living room of the bathroom.

“Tetsu…”, Akaashi calls again, only loud enough to Kuroo to hear.

“Keiji, please, no..”Kuroo begs again, his voice so weak that Akaashi feels himself like dying, his heart hurting on his chest. “I don’t want you to see me… Like this…”

“Please, just… Listen to me, ok?”, Akaashi asks ever so softly. “I’m here with you, I won’t go anywhere. I’m with you. So when you feel ready, just let me clean your cuts…”, he says, because he can’t make the cuts disappear, so the only thing he can do now is to clean and guarantee that it won’t get infected.

“I’m so sorry…”, Kuroo whispers from inside the bathroom and Akaashi can hear him crying.

Akaashi doesn’t know how long it takes before he hears Kuroo moving inside the bathroom. The sink is turned on for a quick moment and then the cabinet being open and closed. He hears Kuroo padding towards the door, his socks barely making any sound but Akaashi can still hear him in the dead silent apartment. 

Kuroo knees on the ground by Akaashi’s side, handing him the first aid kit, his eyes glued to the floor when he extends his arm to Akaashi. Akaashi refrains all his comments about the scars, but he does notices how some of them seems to be old and others new and he can’t help but wonder for how long Kuroo has been dealing with this.

Akaashi holds Kuroo’s arm lightly after soaking a cotton ball into rubbing alcohol. He starts cleaning the cuts in a extremely careful way, not wanting to hurt Kuroo any further, but Kuroo barely reacts. Akaashi does a dressing on the wound, carefully to protect the cuts so the gauze won’t glue to the raw flesh of the cuts.

“I’m sorry.”, Kuroo whispers when Akaashi is almost at the end. “I try to stop but… I can’t.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about, Tetsu…” Akaashi says, keeping his voice calm even though he’s in pieces. “I can’t say I understand, but... I wanna help you. But I can’t help if you don’t let me in…”

“I didn’t want to be a burden.”, Kuroo whispers, watching as Akaashi finally finishes the dressing. “I didn’t want to force you to deal with… all this shit.”

“Hey… You’re not a burden. I love you so much, Tetsu.”, Akaashi says frankly, leaning over a bit and kissing the older scars near Kuroo’s inner elbow. “I just want to be by your side and help you to pass through whatever is hurting you in the moment.”

“I love you too…”, Kuroo whispers back, shivering with Akaashi’s kiss. “That’s why I didn’t want you to know… because I don’t think it’s fair.”

“I think either it’s fair or not is my choice to make, right?”, Akaashi asks calmly. “Let me help you…”, he asks, pulling Kuroo closer softly.

They kiss, a chaste and quiet kiss, but Kuroo sobs lightly against Akaashi’s lips, sliding closer and hiding himself against Akaashi’s body. Akaashi doesn’t know how to feel about everything, the only thing he’s sure is that he meant it when he said he wants to be part of it and to help. He loves Kuroo.

-

The sixth time it happens they’re about to move to their new home. 

Kuroo is about to defend his master’s thesis, only a few days left until the big day, and Akaashi isn’t surprised that Kuroo is freaking out. On top of that there’s the moving subject, because now that Kuroo finished his studies, at least for now, he can’t keep living in the dorms. So after a long conversation they decided to live together in another place.

Under all this pressure, Kuroo starts to break. Akaashi can clearly see as Kuroo starts to fall apart again, because Kuroo stopped hiding behind big walls. Through more than a year Akaashi had researched about Kuroo’s problem, talking a lot with people that suffer from the same thing and with Kuroo himself, because anxiety is different depending on the person. So Akaashi can see when Kuroo is about to totally break.

Kuroo starts with the nails, sinking them into his forearms, scratching deeply enough to mark all over his scars. When Kuroo is distracted watching tv or just spacing out, he’ll start to scratch his shoulders and shoulder blade almost until it breaks the skin. He also bites his wrists and the back of his hands, letting his teeth sink so deeply on his flesh that he’s always with tiny purple dots on his skin.

But Akaashi doesn’t need to step in this time, because one day Kuroo wakes him up at the middle of night. “I need your help.”, he whispers, seeming pained. “I’m sorry.”

“Shhh…”, Akaashi says softly, getting up. “I have an idea, alright? Stay here.”, he says as he walks to the kitchen.

Akaashi is back with an ice tray before Kuroo can even blink. Kuroo looks puzzled at him while Akaashi takes out an ice cube from the tray. Akaashi grabs one of the cubes, holding Kuroo’s hand facing up on his other hand. He starts to slide the ice cube on Kuroo’s skin in circular motions, pressing softly against the flesh before sliding up to Kuroo’s wrists.

“Ah…”, Kuroo breathes out, shivering.

“Someone told me that ice cubes against the skin helps them to calm down from a high state of anxiety.”, Akaashi explains softly, running the melting cube over Kuroo’s healed scars.

“It’s good..”, Kuroo admits, watching Akaashi’s movements. “Almost relaxing.”

“Good…”, Akaashi smiles, keeping doing what he was doing, because he wants to make sure that Kuroo will be alright.

Akaashi changes the arm once he feels that the first arm is already cool enough to the temperature of the ice doesn’t bother anymore. Kuroo takes advantage of Akaashi’s small break to lean against Akaashi and kiss his lips.

“I love you so much, Keiji… Thank you so much for putting up with all my shit.”, Kuroo whispers against Akaashi’s lips, his breathing still heavy and uneven, but he’s coming down of his high stressed state.

“I love you too. You’re the strongest person I know, and I’m really proud of you.”, Akaashi whispers back. “Thank you for letting me help.”

They kiss again, slower and deeper than before. Akaashi loves Kuroo’s ability of rebuild himself after falling apart so hard. Kuroo is the strongest person Akaashi knows, because he always comes back, no matter in how many pieces his break into, he’ll always come back.

**Author's Note:**

> So, that's it for today!  
> I hope y'all enjoyed!  
> If you want, you can talk to me on tumblr! I really don't mind if you do.  
> And just so no one get worried, I'm in a slightly better place now and I know how to control myself better. So you can say that Kuroo will get to this level too. He'll be fine. We'll all be fine.   
> Love you, guys!


End file.
